Allow me to fill the interminable blankness with the tale of a certain player, Óscar Cortés. Raise your green and white scarves in salute as we embark on the sure-to-be-drudgery-filled journey through his utterly breathtaking, simply spellbinding, thoroughly mediocre career. This paragon of the profoundly mundane was born in an unspecified time, at an unknown location, only adding to the delicious air of mystery that surrounds his euphemistically basic skills in the beautiful game of football.
Like a long-winded story with no real punchline, the tale begins in July 2023. Yes, the thoroughly 'remarkable' Óscar Cortés decided to quit his loitering career under the compliant Columbian sun, with Millonarios in the Primera A, and opted to shoulder the grave responsibility of becoming another faceless pawn in the French Ligue 1, with Lens. The move, according to Transfermarkt (a source as reliable as a chocolate teapot), was for a princely fee of around £3.9 million, surely causing the club's treasury to tremble in nervous anticipation at the prospect of funding this man's earthly wanderings.
During his season 2023 – 2024 at Lens, Cortés exhibited a level of professional commitment that could only be described as slightly north of apathetic, making a whopping four first team appearances and scoring an earth-shattering one goal in league matches. Let us all swiftly don our party hats and hark the heralds’ sing...
As if living under the weight of his own enormity at Lens wasn’t enough, in February 2024, our bovine hero made his way over the channel to Scotland, placing himself on loan to Rangers in the country's Premiership. It's worth noting that mention of the 'Old Firm' is as ubiquitous as rain in Glasgow, and it predates the whole nonsense of 2013 – but that's a can of worms better left unopened, lest we descend into an abyss of whisky-soaked recollections.
Much like his tour de force in France, his status at Rangers was reminiscent of another Herculean tale. In the season 2023 - 2024, Cortés left spectators wide-eyed, potentially with stupefaction over his knack for maintaining a painfully consistent mediocrity, as he made a thrilling six first team appearances and once again showed a spectacular lack of generosity in front of the goal, limiting himself to a single net buster. As of the current season, 2024 - 2025, he has made just two first team appearances in league matches. Riveting, isn't it?
And there you have it - the incredibly dry, somewhat sarcastic rundown of Óscar Cortés' football career. He may not be a former player of our beloved Celtic, so we are spared the rigour of a comprehensive dissection of his time there, and can seek solace in the far more digestible sardonic summation. Now, let's turn our expectant gaze to the future, where perhaps, just perhaps, we shall stumble upon a story with a little more spice.
